Incompetence
by wolfgirl16
Summary: .:Oneshot:. How Resident Evil 5 REALLY played out.


**Incompetence**

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this fanfiction except for the fanfiction itself. Everything else belongs to Capcom, yadda yadda.

Summary: How Resident Evil 5 REALLY played out.

* * *

The glaring, unforgiving sun blazed down in a harsh sheet of heat, causing Chris Redfield to wipe his brow to rid it of the sweat.

"Damn sun..." He muttered to himself, returning his hand to the wheel. Usually in conditions like these - hot, humid, surrounded by absolutely nothing but heat and humidity - he'd have the AC kicked all the way up and he'd be more focused on a magazine than the dirt road he was following. He was specifically forbidden, however, from doing just that after an incident that happened the last time he did so.

It wasn't his damn fault an elderly woman came out of nowhere and scooted in front of the vehicle like she was all that.

To the man's relief, he came upon his destination. Stopping the vehicle, he seemed a tad puzzled at all the light-skinned people there with their cell phones and mp3 players and portable gaming systems. Wasn't there supposed to be an abundance of dark-skinned people in Africa? And wasn't it supposed to be less modern when it came to technology in these parts? Shrugging, Chris figuratively stepped out of the frying pan and into the fire as he exited his vehicle.

A curious on-looker approached him, asking him in an oddly-Australian accent, "Hey, mate, what brings you here?"

"Duh, for the mission." Chris replied as though it were obvious. "I'm Chris Redfield."

"What mission?"

Chris became even more bewildered and once again checked over his surroundings before asking the man, "This IS Kijuju, right? Kijuju, Africa?"

The man scoffed and snickered, "You're kidding, right? This is Sidney, Australia!"

At the moment, Chris wanted to smack himself upside the head. Not only was he in the wrong city, but he was on the wrong CONTINENT. The boys back home would get an absolute kick out of this...

* * *

Sheva was not a happy woman.

She earlier received news that her partner somehow ended up on the wrong continent - how ANYONE managed to do that was beyond her - and he wasn't scheduled to arrive for a good amount of time, thus meaning she had to wait even longer for him in the blistering heat of Africa. So, sitting under the roofed porch of a shop, she waited, legs crossed and arm lazily fanning her flushed face with a brochure for Kijuju that was trying to make it sound much better than the crappy village actually was.

If it were any good, she'd be somewhere in which there was an AC and a lot of alcohol at that moment.

* * *

This time, Chris was sure he was going where he was supposed to be. Every time he came upon a village, he stopped and asked a random passerby if he was indeed in Africa. What he got in reply was something he couldn't understand, which he assumed was African and therefore was certain he was on the right continent this time.

Currently, he was driving down yet another dusty, empty road, his only company being the heat. That and some group of British people he passed a while back who were making a documentary about the mating habits of lions. He wasn't paying any attention to them, which sucked for them because the lions had begun to attack them and Chris was undoubtedly packing heat.

"So bored..." He groaned. Biting his lip in thought, he contemplated whether or not to do what he was thinking of doing. If he did, the results could get ugly. On the other hand, he was incredibly bored. Though, he could get in a lot of trouble. Then again, there was currently no one out there but himself, so who could he get in trouble with? And who or what could he possibly hit?

Grinning wickedly, Chris pulled out a magazine from the foot of the passenger seat and opened it up to a random page. He leaned back and lifted one legg to let his foot do the driving while the other was pressed to the accelerator.

* * *

With nothing better to do, Sheva played some games on her cell phone. Whilst she was absorbed in a game of Quiet Hill: The Mobile Version, someone came and sat down next to her. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see it was a man dressed from head to toe in black adorning a black trench coat with the collar raised, black sunglasses, and a black hat that hid a lot of his facial features. Was this man insane? It was a thousand degrees outside and he was dressed in this Matrix get up.

Out of inquisitiveness, Sheva asked as politely as she could, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"Pardon?" The mysterious man replied, his voice deep.

"It's so hot outside and you're wearing that get up."

"Well, excuse me for wanting to look cool."

"You don't look cool. You look hot. Very hot."

Turning to her, the man cocked an eyebrow in interest, though Sheva couldn't see due to the hat and sunglasses. "Hot, you say?" He smirked.

Sputtering, the dark skinned woman retorted, "Not like that!" She frowned. "Who are you, anyway? And why are you poking fun with me?"

He shrugged. "I'm bored and I'm supposed to be somewhere else doing evil, classified things."

"...You must be Wesker, right?"

A pause from the man. "Um..."

Extending her hand for a handshake, Sheva introduced herself. "Sheva. Pleased to meet you."

Returning the handshake, Wesker said pleasantly, "Charmed."

* * *

Chris laughed heartily at something from his magazine, then frowned and went, "Aww..." when he discovered it was the last page. He went to put it down and grab another when he saw something in the road. It appeared to be a koala bear, but Chris never paid much attention in school, so he basically had no idea what the hell a koala bear was. He thought it was a weird looking African squirrel or something.

With eyes as wide as an elephant's rear end, the man screeched, "Oh, my God! A squirrel!" He placed his foot back on the floor and took hold of the steering wheel in a vice grip. He jerked the wheel to the left and the vehicle swerved a little before turning. The koala squirrel was fine; he missed it completely, however Chris ran head-on into a tree.

* * *

Simply out of sheer boredom, Wesker had taken his phone out and started played checkers on it with Sheva. At the time being, neither were winning and it was Sheva's move.

"You must be waiting for Redfield, am I right?" The blond, who had taken his hat off a while ago, inquired.

"And why do you say that?" Sheva retorted rather uncaringly as she made her move.

"Because you're still waiting. He's been known by many to be extremely late." Wesker said with a smirk before moving. "King me."

"Damn." She swore, then added, "Well, you are right. Chris is my partner. He would've been here by now if he had gotten on the right continent in the first place."

"Another problem of his. He wasn't exactly the best at co-ordinations...or math...or really anything. God knows how he ever managed to get into STARS..."

"Well, he's strong. Very skilled at fighting."

Wesker nodded. "True, especially since he's been pumping steroids, as I've heard. Tell me, is that true?"

It was Sheva's turn to nod. "We're almost positive by now that that's how he ended up in Australia rather than Africa. One of our teammates, George, was at the airport with Chris. They were to board the same plane. He tells us Chris ran into the bathroom to do some _business_ and a syringe full of something fell from his pocket in his haste. As curious and stupid as he was, George took the syringe and stuck it in his arm to find out what it was."

"But how did he find out it was steroids?" The only answer he received was Sheva pointing a gloved finger over to her left before taking her turn. Wesker turned and, to his horror, saw a man whose muscles would put the Hulk to shame. Secretly, he was hoping that guy wasn't Sheva's boyfriend and if he was, that he wasn't the jealous type. Even with his inhuman abilities, that guy could still probably beat the crap out of him. "I'm guessing that's what happened?"

"Yup. Your turn."

But before Wesker could make his move, another one of Sheva's teammates approached them, his face encased in a mask of gloom.

"Sheva." He began. "About your partner Chris..."

She sighed. "Don't tell me. He wound up on yet another wrong continent, right, Lukas?"

Lukas shook his head. "He's dead, Sheva."

Sheva never looked more shocked than she did at that moment. Alright, there was one time were she looked more shocked that that; this time she discovered her younger brother parading around in her clothes and undergarments, but that was a different case of shock all together. Her face fell and she turned her head away. Mentally, she berated herself for acting so peeved about Chris not being there when now he was in this tragic situation. Quietly, she asked, "What happened?"

"Witnesses say he was driving with his feet while he was reading a magazine - a Playboy, to be specific - when a koala bear stepped into the road. Instead of swerving to the right where there were no trees, he swerved to the left, into a dense gathering of trees."

At this explanation, Sheva wanted to slap her hand to her forehead. She glanced at Wesker, who only could shrug and tell her, "What can I say? That man is - was - quite incompetent."

Lukas took his leave, deciding it would be best to leave Sheva alone. At that moment, Wesker arose from the porch, putting his phone away and declaring the woman had won since there was no clear cut winner and figured he'd be generous after her _loss_, though he didn't see it as such. Sheva fixated her gaze on him and asked him where he was going.

"Well, dear, I must be off." He explained. "I've spent enough time loitering when I should have been somewhere else by now, attending to my business."

"Is it cool there?"

"Yes, both literally AND figuratively."

"Will there be any booze there?"

The blonde shrugged as he replaced his hat on his head. "Perhaps, if I decide to buy some on the way there."

Sheva stood abruptly. "Please, take me with you." She begged. "This has to be one of the worst days of my life and I need AC and I need booze NOW. Please."

Wesker pondered for a moment, and afterwards deciding it wouldn't be a bad idea. What's the harm? Besides, she could prove to be much better company than that woman Excella. She was rather...clingy, to put it lightly. He actually shuddered at the thought of that woman literally throwing herself at him again like she was some sort of lioness in heat on the Discovery Channel.

"Alright, you can come." The man said at last.

Gleefully, Sheva followed him as he made his way out of Kijuju.

Lukas returned shortly after Sheva disappeared to assign her a new partner, only to discover she was no longer there...or anywhere, for that matter. In obvious rage, he kicked at the air and threw down his clipboard. He had enough of this shit and vocally declared right then and there that he was quitting.

Another guy on the team remarked, "Looks like we need someone to replace Sheva. Someone call up that Leon Kennedy guy! They say he's good."

And Sheva, unaware of the squall she started up, was blissfully sitting right in front of a bulky AC unit with a cold beer in her hand.

* * *

I was inspired to write this after watching Chris driving down the road in RE5. I imagined what would happen if he swerved into a tree or something and died there and basically have the game end before it even began, lol. Orignally, it was gonna be really short and it would only consist of Chris crashing and ending with "GAME OVER," but then I decided to stick in Sheva's side. I even included Wesker because, hell, he's Wesker. It just wouldn't work without him. XD

And, please, understand that I am, in no way, bashing Chris or Excella or any other characters in this story. Chris is cool and Excella's awesome. Gotta love her accent. :D

Anyways, please review!


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